Mariah Milan's Blog: People Pleasing Or Should I Say People Bondage

This is a Word I spoke for The Changed Hearts I Am Woman - Woman 2 Woman Online Conference.

Message:

When Angel first asked me to be a part of this conference, I was really excited about it, but at the same time really nervous. God has a funny way of calling those of us who are much more comfortable in the background to the forefront. But I’ve learned that He will be with you every step of the way as He takes you out of your comfort zone. So, one day I was praying and asking God, what it was that He would have me to speak on that I’ve overcome, and He hits me with PEOPLE PLEASING! So that is what I’m going to talk about today. I want to start off by looking at the definition of people pleasing, but before I do that I just want to say this because I don’t you all to take this out of context. There are instances where people pleasing can be good and there’s nothing wrong with it. For instance, husbands and wives desiring to please each other, children wanting to please their parents, etc. Now, the problem arises when it goes to the extreme and you strive to please people over God and you esteem and exalt people and their opinions over God and His opinions. Now, that I’ve got that out of the way; let’s look at the definition of people pleasing.

Definition:

People Pleasing is when who you are and what you do is conditional on the crowd and what they are doing. People Pleasing is a cause and effect thing. Your behavior is based off of the reactions of people. Everything you do is to get a positive reaction or response from people.

Characteristics of People Pleasers:

1. Deep rooted inability to stand alone. They have this need for company, this need to not be the only one. They have the Follower Syndrome, they don’t want to lead, they want to follow someone else.

2. Identity is wrapped up in people and their opinions. They are experiencing an identity crisis because they are searching for validation in people and we know that our identity is found in Christ.

My Story:

Now, how does this relate to me…people pleasing is something that I have struggled with. I guess I should start from the beginning…I grew up in the church. I got saved when I was 8 years old. I was young, excited and eager to learn about God. Then as I grew up, I was around kids that weren’t excited about God and learning about Him and I slowly fell off the Christian train. I wanted to fit in with my peers. I called myself a Christian, but I never picked up my bible or prayed outside of church. I wasn’t until I went off the college and started attending New Life Ministries my sophomore year, that I rededicated my life to God, and I got serious about my relationship with Him. I was 19. After rededicating my life, God surrounded me with like-minded peers who were serious about their relationship with God and on fire for Him. A few years later my surroundings changed. The crowd of people I was around changed. It’s easy to be a Christian when it’s popular, when you are around on fire, souled out Christians, it can be hard when you are around unbelievers or “church folk” (church folk are church members that call themselves Christians, but they simply sit in church, don’t participate, but spectate). I was no longer surrounded by like-minded peers and being the only one, being different…I didn’t want that. I became consumed with what others, specifically my peers thought of me. In essence, the crowd, my surroundings changed and I changed right along with it. I sat on my praise and my worship. I wanted to blend in, not stand out. And that was a problem. God had to show me what I was doing and how trifling I was.

Some Truth About People Pleasing:

There’s a scripture that I want to read, Galatians 1:10, this is the apostle Paul speaking to the church of Galatia, “Obviously I’m not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant.” Let me share some truth with you. Whoever’s opinion you are more concerned with is who you are a servant to or who you are bound to. Are you bound to people or are you bound to God?!? Who’s opinion controls your actions? You either go out of your way for God or you go out of your way for people. If the opinions of people are what is most important to you then you can be a so called Christian one day and then the people around you change and you’re condoning those things that you know God opposes or you’re ready to outright deny God what He is due. This is when the danger with people pleasing comes in…

The Danger With People Pleasing – Why It Must Stop

1. I just said it, people pleasing will have you denying God what He is due…denying Him the praise He is due, denying Him worship and denying Him all together. You’ll be sitting around saying what if Susie thinks this or Johnny thinks that. I want you to think about this, what if Jesus comes back while you’re in the midst of denying Him what He is due because you are more concerned with people and their opinions?!?

2. It makes you fickle, which isn’t a good thing. Who you are and what you do is dependent on your surroundings. You go along with what is popular, which can change as often as some women change their hair. When so concerned about people and their opinions, you can be as fickle as a leaf, blown in whatever direction the wind takes you. Your Christianity is like a light switch that is turned on or off depending on the vast majority of those around you. Your Christianity can’t be based on whether or not it’s cool to be a Christian.

3. It’s bondage! We should change the name from people pleasing to people bondage. God showed me that people pleasing is bondage a while back, but He showed me the depth to which it is bondage while I was reading my Abundant Life devotional for February 28^th. The scripture for this particular devotion was one that I would have never guessed that the author, Nancy Guthrie would use and that’s Matthew 7:13-14, which says, “You can enter God’s Kingdom only through the narrow gate. The highway to hell is broad, and its gate is wide for the many who chose that way. But the gateway to life is very narrow and the road is difficult, and only a few ever find it.” This is what God showed me, You can’t make it through the gateway to life when you are shackled and bound to the crowd! You can’t live a life that is pleasing to God when you’re too busy living to please people. I was at a service a couple years ago and I went up to the altar for prayer and the Prophetess looked at me and said I just strings all over you. And I’m thinking strings?!? What is she talking about strings for, I came up here for prayer! As you have probably figured out, I didn’t get it then. And I had forgotten about it, but God brought it back to my remembrance and gave me a clear picture of what she meant earlier this year. He brought to my mind a marionette doll, those puppets that are controlled by strings that are moved in different directions by a person.

It was then that I understood what she meant when she said I see all these strings on you. When you are a people pleaser, you're like a marionette doll that is tugged and pulled in different directions by people. People have a hold on you. I know I’m not the only one to struggle with people pleasing. I want all those struggling to get this: You can’t fit through the narrow gate when there are 20+ people who’s opinions you are attached to, their opinions trump God. Being bound by people and their opinions will have you on the highway to hell (recognize that is the direction the “crowd” is going in, only a few are on the narrow road)! Why? Numero Uno, people have become your god, you exalt them and their opinions above the Father. They are what you treasure, and focus your attention on. You’re more concerned with being well-liked than souls being saved. You’re more concerned with people liking you posts than the Truth and holiness. **Newsflash** You can’t people please your way into heaven! So stop leaving the narrow road that leads to eternal life for the wide road because you are following the crowd. The wide road leads to eternal damnation!

Freedom From People Bondage – Overcoming

So, how can we overcome?!? How can we be free from the chains of people bondage because there is no possible way for you to be completely souled out for God when your soul and very identity is tied to people and their opinions of you and what you do?!?

1. The first step to being free is recognizing that you are bound. There’s no desire for freedom when an individual doesn’t realize they are in bondage.

2. The next step is to admit it to yourself and to God. God already knew, but he wants you to come to Him with it, and ask Him to help you and break you of this thing. Jesus came because He saw us bound and He came “to set the captives free,” Luke 4:18.

3. The next step is to recognize that your identity is found in Christ and not people, their opinions or your popularity with people. Stop looking for validation in fellow creations, your Creator, the Almighty God, validates you. He calls you chosen, a royal priesthood, fearfully and wonderfully made, made in His very image.

4. Pray and meditate on scriptures that focus on pleasing God rather than man.

5. Realize that striving to please people is exhausting! That will help you be free from it, when you realize it’s impossible to please everyone.